On October 10, 2018, I started this blog as a way to share my struggles with mental health, and as a way to try to heal from my depression and anxiety. It took all the energy I had to write my first post, and it took all the courage I possessed to share myself so candidly. Beginning this blog was one of the hardest but bravest things I have ever done.
When I wrote this blog, I told myself, “Imagine where I will be this time next year. Imagine what I will have written on this blog, the people I will have reached, the opportunities I will have had. This blog is going to be incredible a year from now.”
Well…not quite.
Today, exactly one year later, on October 10, 2019–on World Mental Health Day–neither my blog nor myself are where I want to be. There is so much I would have changed about the past 365 days.
But there is also so much I’m thankful for.
As I’ve been writing these blog posts, I’ve realized that all the posts up until this point have been emotionally very heavy. The posts were raw and real, and I wrote them when I was in my worst places. While I am happy I shared my authentic experience on this blog, I also don’t want to give the impression that I feel these horribly isolating feelings constantly. Yes, depression and anxiety can be emotional leeches and have stained a lot of my experiences this year. But I have also had some of my greatest happinesses and successes this year as well.
Today, on the one year anniversary of my blog, I wanted to share a positive post. I have spent so much of the past year obsessing over what I could have done better, where I went wrong, and how I lost time. It’s time to honor the successes I did have, however how small, and to celebrate how far I’ve come.
This post goes out to all the goals I didn’t meet this year because of my mental health struggles, and to all the successes I had despite of them.
Goal: Blog Once a Week
Reality: I didn’t blog once for 50 weeks straight.
This goal is honestly, truly, deeply, hilarious to me because I came NO WHERE near meeting this goal. Spectacular failure.
But you know what, I’m so proud of the few posts I have written. No, I have not permanently changed the world’s view on mental health, nor am I making money off of this blog like I dreamed of this time last year. But sharing my writing and my authentic feelings has helped me immensely in so many ways. This blog is helping me heal, and it’s showed me that I am truly passionate about writing.
And, most importantly, my words have helped the people who read them. The amount of messages and texts I got from others saying they are inspired by my journey because they are struggling with similar feelings is both humbling and humanizing. We all have our own battles, and I’m happy to begin to articulate and normalize what it feels like to deal with depression and anxiety while also trying so desperately to enjoy your own life.
Goal: Get a High-Power Job
Reality: I’m still at the same job.
I was horribly depressed when I got my first (and current) job in June 2018. It would have done me good to take time off before I started working, but I couldn’t because I had absolutely no money.
When I first started working, I hated work. It was difficult to adjust to a 40 hour work week, I was struggling to understand what I was hired to do, and I felt so lonely at my job. I remember I wanted to quit on the third day.
But, I toughed it out, and I am glad I did. My job has changed a lot since I started. I now work with a larger team, I am given responsibility, my opinions and ideas are valued, my team is supportive. And I’m learning so much about the business world and about myself. I’ve had access to experiences and opportunities that are not available to most first-year hires.
I also cannot forget to be thankful for a consistent paycheck.
Goal: Travel to Europe
Reality: I did not travel to Europe.
Traveling is one of my values, and as soon as I started my job I was ecstatic to finally have my own money to see the world. I was supposed to travel to Europe–specifically to Italy and France–this year with a friend, but plans fell through. Then, I was planning on going by myself, but couldn’t bring myself to plan the trip. I was beyond disappointed that I wasn’t able to see countries that had been on my bucket list for so long.
Even though I wasn’t able to go to Europe, I was able to travel to many places this year, many of them I had never been to before. As a bonus, a lot of these trips were work-related, so I got to go expense-free. This year, I have been to, or am going to go to:
- First Time Visits: Anaheim, CA; Houston, TX; Nashville, TN; St. Paul, MN; and Panama
- Repeat Visits: Austin, TX; Chestertown, NY; Montreal, Canada; New York, NY; Ocean City, MD; Outer Banks, NC; Pittsburgh, PA; Princeton, NJ; Stone Harbor, NJ; and Virginia Beach, VA
Goal: Save Enough Money to Move Out
Reality: I am not moved out.
This is probably the only goal I actually came close to meeting. I am not moved out yet, but I did stick to my weekly savings goal every single week. I am proud that whenever I do chose to move out, I’m financially prepared enough to live comfortably, and also have super cute furniture.
Goal: Journal Everyday of 2019
Reality: I journaled only through January 1- January 17.
One of my New Year’s resolutions was to journal everyday of 2019. Each day, I would journal about how I self-loved that day, and something that made me happy. My thought was this daily exercise would force me to spend at least 15 minutes of the day being positive, which would start to improve my mood, which would eventually rid me of my depression.
The problem was, I couldn’t just journal–I had to make it grand. I decided that in addition to the daily journal, I would also include a daily illustration. How I thought I’d find time to journal and illustrate, while working a 40+ hour work week, while also dealing with depression was beyond me. I’d be too exhausted to journal, so I’d skip a day, which made me so anxious I’d have to go back and do two journals the next day. Eventually I just gave up.
I am celebrating these 17 days of journaling because I made an effort to get better, and because I am inspired by my goal of finding a unique way to self-love every single day.
Also, I learned I’m a pretty good illustrator:
Can we please appreciate that the last journal I illustrated was “Let someone know you need help” and I wouldn’t go to therapy for another eight months? I couldn’t have planned a better character arc.
On this World Mental Health Day, I want to say I am so proud of where I came from, and I’m even more proud of where I’m going.
Olivia Vinkler 