This post is adapted from a private journal entry from October 2019.
It had been a particularly frustrating therapy session. I had come in feeling agitated about nothing in particular, just a general feeling of annoyance with my emotions that were running uncharacteristically high over the past few weeks. My therapist had noticed, and prompted me to discuss what was making me so unhappy recently.
“It’s everything and nothing all at the same time,” I said, exasperated. “Sometimes I feel like to make my life better I’d have to change it so drastically that it wouldn’t be my life anymore. And that scares me because I don’t know where to begin.”
“Wow, that’s some really black and white thinking,” my therapist said. She thought for a moment. “Have you ever heard of standards, values, and beliefs?”
I shook my head no.
Standards, values, and beliefs (we’ll call them SVBs for short) are the personal principles that we use to guide ourselves through our own lives. They act as our compass, and help lead us to people, experiences, and decisions that align with what we believe and value.
These definitions make more sense in the context of examples. Let’s say you value spending time with your friends. If this is your value, one of your beliefs might be that friends should spend time together. This belief could lead you to the standard that you and your friends prioritize seeing each other often, at least twice a month. Our SVBs all reinforce each other, and help define what matters most to us.
When our standards, values, or beliefs are tested, we can either chose to stand our ground, or modify them if there is enough of a reason change. Let’s use the previous example–your standard is you and your friends should see each other at least twice a month. That’s a great standard to have, but what happens when, for example, a few friends move away, or a friend gets a new job with less flexible hours, or everyone is struggling to juggle all their new adult obligations? You could choose to hold your ground, and insist that your friends all get together at least twice a month, which might be extremely difficult to coordinate. Or, you could choose to live your value of spending time with your friends by opting to go on a group trip planned well in advance, or take time to call your friends individually when you both have free time.
The beauty of standards, values, and beliefs are that they can be as flexible or stringent as we would like them to be. What determines one’s SVBs–along with the criteria it takes to change them–is completely up each individual. Only you can define, change, and enforce the values you choose to prioritize.
I have found the process of defining, modifying, and enforcing my standards, values, and beliefs to be one of the most satisfying, but also challenging experiences I’ve had this year. As I’m exploring my SVBs, I’m learning a lot about myself and what makes me me at my core. It’s fantastic, because I’m finally able to put into words what’s most important to me and see a clear path forward to creating the life I want to live. Once you know what truly matters to you, you can’t forget it. And since you can’t forget it, you have to face the big question: am I living my life in a way that’s inline with my values?
For me, the answer to that question was, “Eh, sorta.”
A lot of this past year has been feeling just “eh” about a lot of decisions and events in my life. I realized I was feeling so indifferent about them because I hadn’t taken the time to truly understand my standards, values, and beliefs. I was without my life’s compass, and I was totally lost.
My therapist had me write down my standards, values, and beliefs–no matter how important, or unimportant, or hyper-specific, or silly they were. It was empowering to be finally put words to the values I hadn’t ever spoken out loud, and to see what I believed in written on a page.
And now you get to see (some) of them typed on a screen:
I believe in...
- Caring about others less fortunate than myself, even if I will never meet them
- Seeing the best in others
- No job, relationship, or pursuit should consume me to the point where it’s all I do
- Reflecting often
- Making an effort to stay healthy
- Paying people a living wage
- Striving to improve and being my best self
- Work-life balance
- Being kind to food service workers, no matter what
- Speaking up if something is wrong
- The power of a good hug
- Not taking myself too seriously
- The snooze button
- Laughter
- Friendships
- Love
- Honesty
- Family
My standards are…
- I keep my house (relatively) clean
- Dishes should be done while you’re cooking, and NEVER left in the sink overnight
- I am loving towards myself
- I am forgiving to myself
- I show everyone compassion and empathy
- The people in my life will not look down on therapy
- Never look down on others
- Have genuine compassion for others
- Honesty is the best policy
- It’s okay to hit the snooze button a few times
- Listen before speaking
- My job should bring me fulfillment
I value…
- Creativity
- Intelligence
- Compassion
- Communication
- Kindness
- Empathy
- Nature
- Fitness
- Willingness to be open and honest
- Traveling and seeing the world
- Understanding and appreciating others’ perspectives
- Logic and rationality
- Using reason, but still tapping into feelings
- Honesty with the self
- Honesty with others
- Making this world a better place
There are so many more I could write and share, but for now, is plenty. This is what I’m comfortable sharing, because this is what I’m comfortable enforcing.
In the past, I’ve tended to falter when it came to enforcing some of my standards, because I feared what other’s would would think of them, or because I was afraid to carry out the consequences if someone violated them. Recently, I’ve been working on living my standards, values, and beliefs unapologetically, no matter what others think or feel about them. Because my values guide my life–and my life only.
Olivia Vinkler 