It did not take me more than two sessions to tell my therapist about my (previously) pitiful excuse of a blog.
Telling her about this blog felt like a confession. Here I am, seeking therapy to help me improve my mental health, while I have a blog about mental health that has sat–quite literally–untouched for almost a year because my mental health was weighing me down. How mortifying.
When I told my therapist about all my lofty dreams I had for my future self and this blog, she told me, “Well you can’t get there unless you start!” To which I replied, “My first–and only–blog post is called “A to B” and it’s all about how I am paralyzed just by starting. I want to be there already. The irony of it all is not lost on me.” And my therapist simply said back, “Well you can’t get there without starting! So you just have to find a way to start. You have to hold yourself accountable.”
Well, duh.
90% of therapy is being told what you, deep down, already know. I obviously knew I had to just write something–anything–to continue working on the blog. But for the past eleven months I could not bring myself to do it. I came up with excuse after excuse. Too tired, too depressed, too anxious, too busy. I’m not in the right mood. What if people read all this and judge me? What if no one reads it and I’m just shouting into an internet void? But my therapist was right–I was refusing to hold myself accountable.
And even though the fix for my inaction was so simple–to literally write anything–I still could not bring myself to put any effort into writing a blog post. I began to start my therapy sessions with, “Okay, I almost wrote something this week,” or “I just didn’t have the energy this week, but I had a really good idea for a blog post the other day!” One day, I was rambling about all the great ideas I had for my future, but oh gosh, just what a shame it was that I was depressed because I couldn’t act on all these things I wanted to do. My therapist politely waited for me to finish, and then asked, “Why do you think you are so fearful to hold yourself accountable?”
If 90% of therapy is being told what you already know, the other 10% is getting the psychological equivalent of being slapped across the face. (And I mean this very lovingly, because 1. sometimes we do need a slap in the face and 2. my therapist reads my blog.)
“I…uh, what?” I stammered, still recovering from my psychological bitch slap. “Why do I think I fear holding myself accountable? I, uh, never thought about it that way. But now that you say it, out loud, that makes tons of sense.” My therapist smiled, “For next week, reflect on what about accountability was making you fearful.”
As I left therapy that day, I truly felt stunned; almost violated. The mental blinders that prevented me from seeing my fear of accountability had just been unceremoniously ripped off, and I was forced to see a part of myself I had avoided for so long. I clearly was struggling to actively participate in my own life.
Later that evening, I was taking time before bed to continue reading one of this year’s popular books, Lori Gottlieb’s Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. Yes, it’s not enough for me to go to therapy, I have to read about it in my spare time, too.
I happened to be on the chapter in which Lori’s therapist is describing to her a cartoon. In the cartoon, a person is in a prison cell, furiously shaking the bars that hold them captive, pleading to get out. However, to the right and left of the person, there are no bars. The person is actually free to leave–the only thing keeping them trapped is themselves. The chapter continues,
Freedom involves responsibility, and there’s a part of most of us that finds responsibility frightening.
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, pg. 153
So, I was so fearful to hold myself accountable because thought of taking responsibility for my own life was completely petrifying.
Thank you, Universe. Your timing is impeccable.
Olivia Vinkler 